Stephen
Working up the courage to tell someone how he was feeling was the first step to recovery from depression for Stephen Denekamp.
Stephen says that from the time he was 13 or 14, he had been bottling up negative feelings, mostly to do with his sexuality.
"I grew to hate myself more and more. Eventually it got to the point where I changed from having mostly good days, and some bad, to having mostly bad days with only a few good ones," he says.
By the time he was 16, Stephen was feeling suicidal. Not knowing how to cope with these feelings, he started to self harm.
"It had built up over years and I got to the point where I crashed. I hadn't talked to anyone and I was very good at hiding how I was feeling."
Luckily for Stephen, a friend from school was able to break through his barriers when talking over the computer on MSN one day. Over the next couple of weeks Stephen shared more and more with this friend, who got him to tell his two best friends how he was feeling.
Stephen wrote them a long letter - explaining how he had been feeling, and ending by coming out to them. Both were very supportive, and encouraged him to see the school counsellor.
Everything came to head during an English class in his sixth form year.
"We had to give a speech about how teenagers have never had it better. I argued against it, saying that we had never had it worse. I got so distressed during the speech I hurt my arm with a pair of scissors."
"It was a desperate cry for help."
Stephen began seeing a psychiatrist and began taking antidepressants. He came out to his parents and gradually began to feel better.
"After about six months my moods started to improve. Every year was better and better, but I still had down periods."
Stephen got better informed about depression, and this helped him through the down times.
"I had some books from the counsellor and psychiatrist, and the books helped me through those periods."
Stephen says that although it takes time to change the feelings, having friends that he can talk to openly has really helped.
"I still have the occasional blip but I know how to cope with it now. I allow myself to take time out when I have a day when I'm feeling a bit down, and I try and get up and do something totally different like read a book. I have a couple of good friends I can talk to about anything so I can talk to them when I'm feeling like that."
