10 Mar 2011
Shaken to the core
It was when I threw my bike across the garden in an explosion of rage that it hit home that I wasn't coping quite as well as I had been telling everyone (including myself).
Ten days after the devastating February 22nd earthquake had thrown buildings to the ground and made rivers of the streets, it was time to own up to my emotions.
I live in the East of Christchurch in New Brighton, one of the 'hard hit' areas. We had no power, water or sewerage for over a week and all around me streets were filled with water, cracks and liquefaction silt. But I have a camper van and the freedom camper mentality to match.
I have a gas cooker and a full 9kg canister. I have candles, matches and a battery-powered radio. I had dug a latrine and set up a rain-trap within 12 hours of the quake, and, while my kitchen was a mess and much of it was strewn across the floor, I still had shelves full of dry goods, preserves and tins, and my edible garden alone could feed us for weeks.
I have 12V chargers for everything, so I can charge my swanky new smart-phone in the van and, after two days, I realised I could hook into the lifeline that was Facebook.
I've been spinning my survival response as “just like camping” and my situation as something “I have been training for half my life”.
Others are much worse off than me and much less prepared for the days ahead. I have hooked directly into impromptu support systems in my neighbourhood and painted myself as the calm, practical one that people can turn to in a crisis. I've even had the cathartic tears, unbidden and repeating for the first couple of days as shock rattled my body and mind. It's good to get it out. I'm okay, right? Handling it…
But then I tried to pump up those tyres on my bike, the bike that is the best way to get around these cracked and broken streets. I was doing it with what turned out to be a faulty valve and air was coming out faster than I could pump-pump-pump it in.
Suddenly I exploded.
The bike went across the garden, the pump followed, narrowly missing smashing a window - as if there's not been enough damage already. My head was fizzing. I was out of control, screaming expletives, racked with tears of rage, frustration, survivor guilt and grief at the devastation wreaked upon my city, my home.
No, I'm most definitely not handling it…
All the information, everything I reel off in my professional role, tells us that this is 'normal'. But this is not 'normal' for me. Sure, I am more upfront with my emotions than a lot of people – I have learned to express, rather than bury, my feelings – but not this incendiary rage, something I believed I had transcended during the years of my recovery, left behind a decade in the past. Nor indeed all the other things that began to become apparent to me:
- I have had days of absolute impotence, frozen, staring into space, unable to walk beyond my front gate.
- I've been snapping at my partner as she returns home, frazzled herself from a day working as a physiotherapist in the harried mainstream healthcare system.
- I have had other angry meltdowns that reduced me to tears of frustration.
- I have even had my garden rake sitting at my front door, ready to tackle any bogus EQC assessors or looters brazen enough to try it on at my house. I'm a card-carrying pacifist! I don't allow my life to be driven by fear!
No, this is far from “normal”.
What it is, however, is to be expected. We are all dealing with an unprecedented situation.
Loss - of life, of livelihoods, of the very fabric of our city.
Lack of control – when will a simple switch flick on a light? When will a tap deliver fresh water?
Fear and uncertainty – not for a far-off, postulated recovery, but for what will happen tonight or for what tomorrow might bring. We are living day-to-day, hand-to-mouth. It isn't really like camping. It's not a bourgeois frippery.
If you, like me, are feeling these strong emotions (or you know somebody else who is showing similar signs) and you do not know how to respond, the first thing to do is to accept that they are to be expected.
You are not going mad
You are not “going mad” (whatever that means) and you should neither deny nor hide the pain you are feeling. Face it, embrace it… and then tackle these emotions head on.
As a tai chi devotee for many years, I have a bank of tools from which I can draw that will help me to breathe properly and to help myself find a centre of calm.
You may not think you, too, have such tools, but they are readily available to you and simply-applied. Check out this wonderful post from my colleague Grant Rix, for practical advice for you and your family, young and old. And once you have achieved a certain calm, there are also simple, scientifically-tested methods for beginning the rebuilding of your wellbeing and that of those around you.
Winning ways work!
The Mental Health Foundation uses an approach called “Five Ways to Wellbeing” and you would do well to read this post here (scroll down) for useful suggestions at this difficult time. I've been talking about it in the abstract for long enough. Now it's real… and I can tell you from first-hand experience that it works.
I got out and connected with others and I am giving what I can to assist in the clean-up. I spent a day helping a friend take deliveries of water containers, buckets for toilets, drinking water and other necessities to Avonside.
I delivered fresh fruit and aroha to young families in the Aranui area.
I visited the local marae and pledged my support to the hard-hit Maori community across the river from me. People living in neighbourhoods piled high with silt and running with stinking sewage couldn't believe I was there. I faced incredulous questions:
“You're from Brighton? What are you doing here? Isn't it munted over your side of town?”
I saw heartfelt gratitude and inspirational stoicism and resilience. I came away from a hard day's physical and emotional work re-inspired about my life, my circumstances and about the fortitude of this finest of cities.
The aftershocks continue to rattle and there's a long, uncertain road ahead, but this is my home. This is where I live and where I can be of best use.
If I can look after Number One, find that oasis of calm in the midst of all this chaos, then I can also be a useful part of the wider recovery, the rebuilding. A part of the future.
And if I can do it, then so can you.
I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it
Maya Angelou
Ka mate te kainga tahi, ka ora te kainga rua
When one house dies, a second lives
Steve Carter, Mental Health Promoter, Mental Health Foundation
Comments
Posted by Grant 12:52 pm, 10 Mar 2011 Reply
Kia ora Steve,
What a great blog and very humbling to read. Your honesty is refreshing which I'm sure will serve as an inspiration to those around you and all those who read this.
Much love to all in Otautahi.
Ahakoa nga ueue
Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui
When you find things that are difficult in life,
Stand strong, stand tall and be of great heart
Posted by Ciaran 4:39 pm, 10 Mar 2011 Reply
Kia ora e hoa,
brilliant and inspirational post and it captures so much of our experience here. I hope this can form the touchstone of our response to this crisis, this challenge, along with the posts from Grant that you link to. The road ahead is indeed long and uncertain and we will have to fight to keep our situation alive in the minds of the rest of Aotearoa, for long after the headlines move on to something else, Otautahi will still be struggling with the aftermath. But it's the good fight and it will be up to all of us to make it a fight to flourish and not just survive. So in keeping with the offering of whakatauki, here's one we all love.
Whaia e koe ki te iti kahurangi; ki te tuohu koe, me maunga teitei
Seek the treasure you value most dearly: if you bow your head, let it be to a lofty mountain
Posted by Lizzie 4:48 pm, 10 Mar 2011 Reply
Steve, that is a very moving and inspiring post. Thank you.
Posted by Hugh 7:10 pm, 10 Mar 2011 Reply
Thanks so much Steve - you have painted a fantastic word picture of your experiences and given us valuable insight into how the aftermath is affecting so many so profoundly. I admire your courage to share so personally and to be willing to hold on to hope. I know the people of Christchurch, with support from the rest of us will rise to the challenge of building a new, better and and even more socially strong city.
Posted by Manda 9:54 pm, 10 Mar 2011 Reply
I smiled when I read your blog Steve and I echo the words of the others who have commented.
It brought home the struggles you are all facing every minute of every day. It also reminded me what a great bunch of people kiwi's are and how much we treasure our communities and the sense of belonging and spirit they fill us with.
Blessings on you, your partner and your community.
ps - did you figure out how to fix your pump??!
Posted by Yvonne Thompson 10:42 pm, 10 Mar 2011 Reply
Hon! What a fabulous account of personal insight. MORE POWER TO YA! I feel ya desparation and ya heartache but your strong spirit comes through. Like ya said, because of ya laid back nature you're in a strong position to help others that have not experienced a manual society.
I live in Auckland and suffer from Bi-Polar. And I suffer from ranges of emotions of having a bloody good laugh at stupidity to wanting to break glass (my mirror) with anger in relation to how people deal with their stress!
It's hearing open, honest and heartfelt stories such as yours that put my own miniscle problems put into perspective.
Cheers, and Heartfelt Love
Thanks once again for sharing.
Posted by Wendy Keddie 11:33 pm, 10 Mar 2011 Reply
Hey bro. I guess we just don't stop to think about the effect all these natural disasters are having on people. You are doing a wonderful job in what is obviously an incredibly overwhelming time. You're an inspiration and I am very humbled. Love you very much, and you are always in our thoughts. Your little sis, Wend. xxx
Posted by lucy Evatt 2:37 am, 11 Mar 2011 Reply
Thanks for the reality Steve. I had been trying to comprehend anger as a responce to crisis as have been hearing some incidents and reading your experience and knowing you as a peaceful person has helped give me understanding. It is good to remember that there are many different ways of responding to crisis and like mental illness it is not something we can choose.
Blessings Steve thanks for sharing
Posted by Darryl Bishop 8:06 am, 11 Mar 2011 Reply
Aroha nui my friend. Lovely post and echos what I have heard from many, so far from normal. See you soon mate :)
Posted by Matalin Hatchard 11:11 am, 11 Mar 2011 Reply
Hi Steve,
What a wonderful and honest breakdown of the emotions you are going through - and that many more must also be going through. My parents and sister are in Avonside in similar circumstances right now.
I lived with my parents in Armenia for a year in '91 after a huge earthquake rocked the country and caused massive devastation - they were invited by the government to teach Transcendental Meditation, an easy stress-relief technique to the population as a way of coping and clearing through the trauma - 35,000 people learnt during this time, with much relief felt - This technique is also available in Christchurch right now - people can call 0800 000 622 or visit http://www.tm.org.nz to find out more (or email me directly if you like: matalin at hatchard.co.nz
Posted by Russell Tuffery 1:15 pm, 11 Mar 2011 Reply
take care Steve, very inspiring,
feeling rather impotent up here, and can't imagine what's like day-to-day
Russell :)
Posted by murray cameron 12:19 pm, 12 Mar 2011 Reply
Well done Steve, thank you for your real message from the heart about your feelings. Like you, I have found myself getting grumpy with those around me , and your blog has further reinforced the importance of self reflection about our thoughts and actions at this time,being easy and loving on ourselves and caring about others, letting irritations go, and being positive. keep up the great work. Best wishes
Posted by Philippa Fletcher 9:57 am, 14 Mar 2011 Reply
Kia ora Steve
Thank you so much for this. It is a bit of a relief really. Am going to send this to our daughter who is still in Christchurch. Miss you and all the guys heaps. Brain still wonky from last September - so really can't even fathom what it must be like for you all.
Love Philippa
Posted by SuerRostron 12:12 pm, 14 Mar 2011 Reply
Wow Steve,
you are one hell of a writer and a human being. What you are dealing with is crap, no one would wish it on you all in Christchurch. Resiliency is not about bouncing back, but integrating, fear and grief with action and hope for the future.
Your post helped me, I recently helped out at a fatal accident and your discussion on what's normal but still hard to experience was helpful.
Thanks, Steve, my thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Posted by Sal Faid 1:50 pm, 14 Mar 2011 Reply
Well done Steve, thank you for highlighting the normal in an abnormal situation. We all are experiencing powerful and sometimes overwhelming emotions here in ChCh. I've had email after email from varying sources telling me what to expect from this stressful situation but none have spoken to me like yours has. Most are lists of emotions and symptoms. Whereas yours spoke to me and related to where I've been. The power of peer support.
Thank you.
Sal Faid
Posted by Dale Little 2:36 pm, 14 Mar 2011 Reply
Kia ora Steve
I could hear your voice saying the words. Your blog is very moving. It's real. It's useful. It's wise. I hope all you guys know we are rooting for you up here. And now the Japanese disaster. But you give us all hope - in ourselves, in our human capacity to rise again!
Posted by Sue B 12:14 pm, 15 Mar 2011 Reply
Hey Steve, you and Ciran missed our ChCH meeting on Feb 25th, hope you had a good excuse!!
Actually, it was very moving to read this, I have been wondering how you all are, and appreciate your honesty and you expressing so well the normality of dealing with that which is so totally overwhelmingly abnormal.
Big hugs to you and the team, Sue
Posted by Colin Slade 11:17 pm, 15 Mar 2011 Reply
Nice one Bro. I echo all the sentiments expressed above. Great piece of writing.
Keep it up - it'll help lots of others as well as you.
Cheers
Colin
Posted by Michael Brown 12:17 am, 16 Apr 2011 Reply
Is there any data showing regional figures for mental health numbers
I am particularly interested to know how Mental Health in Hamilton compares with the rest of the country (notwithstanding Pike River and Christchurch communities
which thru' tragic circumstances we know will be well above the norm)
Thanks for your time
Mike Brown
Hamilton